WASHINGTON—In a dire health emergency that forced staffers to quickly mobilize to save the Cabinet member’s life, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly rushed to the gym Friday after suffering a sudden heart attack. “Quick, get him on an elliptical, now! He’s fading!” said HHS staffer Kathy Guiles, attempting to hook the secretary up to an IV of pre-workout supplements, creatine, and raw milk to regulate his vital levels. “Is anyone around here a trainer by chance? We need a CrossFit instructor, stat! Okay, prop him up against the pec deck—he can offset the cardiac arrest by doing some weighted chest flies. Oh God, he’s flatlining! Cut his shirt off, somebody get him a spotter. If we don’t hurry, he could slip into a coma and lose all his muscle mass.” At press time, sources close to the situation assured the nation Kennedy was taking it easy after his health episode by just doing some jiujitsu in the sauna.
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