CARMI, IL—Expressing anxiety over the immense pressure it faced to become various food products, a local legume confided to reporters Tuesday that it wished it could just be a soybean and have that be enough. “I don’t want to be a sauce, I don’t want to be an oil, I don’t want to be tofu or tempeh or nattō—I just want to be me,” declared the soybean, emphasizing that despite the rapidly growing demand for it to become protein powder or alternative milk, it had no interest in being anything other than a humble soybean. “Is that really too much to ask? Black beans get to be black beans, kidney beans get to be kidney beans. But I have to endure the suffocating burden of everyone trying to turn me into something I’m not. I have plenty of protein and fiber to offer on my own, you know. If God had wanted me to be a bar, He would have made me a bar. I just wish I had the confidence to live my truth.” At press time, sources confirmed the soybean had been brutally mashed into paste with absolutely no say in the matter.
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