NEW YORK—Warning that millions of men aged 35 and older would be left utterly adrift following the traumatic loss, researchers at Columbia University published a study Monday that revealed the majority of middle-aged men in the United States lacked the support network they would need to handle singer-songwriter Neil Young’s death. “It’s deeply concerning that the average 45-year-old male does not have a single friend or relative willing to text their favorite track from Harvest Moon with the caption ‘GOAT’ typed underneath,” said lead researcher Shannon Bailey, noting that in the absence of the Godfather of Grunge, large swathes of American men would simply spiral into depression while listening to “Heart Of Gold” on loop alone in their apartments. “No other living artist can replicate Young’s raw, soulful vocals or match his mastery of both electric and acoustic sounds, and when he’s gone, men will find themselves searching for someone, anyone, to share in their grief. Unfortunately, less than 15% maintain the connections they made during the 1999 solo acoustic tour, and even fewer will seek out a therapist when they need to discuss Young’s collaborations with Crazy Horse. It’s a sad reality, but without intervention, these poor souls will suffer in silence.” At press time, the researchers published a follow-up study showing that suicide hotlines were woefully unprepared for the volume of calls they would receive when Bob Dylan passed.
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