EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sighing as he prepared to board a bus to the airport for his return flight home, American tourist Ben Frachs reported feeling disappointed Friday to be leaving Scotland without having seen a single Fat Bastard. “I can’t believe I didn’t spot one Fat Bastard the whole time I was here,” said Frachs, who claimed to have brought binoculars, a telephoto lens, and other specialized gear in hopes of snagging a picture of the Scottish legend known for its gargantuan size, crude manners, and storied flatulence. “According to the tale, this is exactly where Fat Bastards originate from, and you’re supposed to be able to spot them pretty easily at Subway franchises this time of year—unless, maybe this is when they migrate east to the sumo rings. I tried following the sound of bagpipes, but all I saw were a handful of regular bastards.” Upon reaching the airport, Frachs was overheard complaining that his connecting flight from London to the U.S. would not be aboard a shagadelic jumbo jet.
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