WASHINGTON—Declaring the money long overdue compensation for some of the nation’s most persecuted individuals, President Donald Trump announced an $88 billion fund Tuesday specifically appropriated to any man ever rejected by a woman. “At long last, there will be justice for every man in America who was very unfairly told no,” said the president, noting that all heterosexual males could claim up to $5 million each by documenting abuses such as being denied a second date, not receiving photos upon texting ‘send nudes,’ or being given false contact information to thwart any possibility of future interaction. “Whether you’re an Uber driver who had his heart broken by a lady passenger who refused your marriage proposal or one of the millions of men who was cruelly abandoned by a woman after two exchanges on a dating app, you can receive payment. Of course, financial compensation doesn’t undo the tremendous emotional damage of not getting anything you want from a woman. But hopefully it will ease some of the pain for men who sent a bouquet of roses every day for a month to a woman’s place of work, only to be told their behavior was off-putting and vaguely threatening.” Trump added, however, that men would never be penalized for rejecting women and would, in fact, be eligible for a tax break if they told a date to her face that they didn’t think she’d be so fat.
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