SAN FRANCISCO—Expanding their offerings of erectile health products, male-focused wellness brand Hims announced a new line of folders Wednesday for holding in front of embarrassing boners. “These safe, discreet folders are specially formulated to ensure you are the only one who knows that you are fully engorged,” said brand representative Erica DeLeon, touting the generic paper portfolios as a foolproof way for men to conceal their awkward, shameful erections without needing a prescription from a doctor or a visit to the school supply section of Target. “Whether you’ve taken too many of our patented ED meds and are suffering from perma-wood that will not go down or just saw a pretty lady at the grocery store, take our quiz today to find out if a quarter-inch-thick piece of folded cardstock is right for setting on your lap when aroused in public. While there is not currently an FDA-approved treatment for getting hard at work during a meeting about quarterly revenue targets right before you have to stand up to present, this off-label use of a plain, navy-blue folder is a perfectly safe and effective solution that will last for hours when held properly in front of your groin area. Made of all-natural materials that will never irritate your skin as you blush and blurt out, ‘Wait! Don’t come any closer!’” At press time, Hims had also announced an extra-strength file cabinet version of the erection hider for severely titillated men to stand behind.
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