WASHINGTON—Saying he was grasping at straws in his efforts to avoid spending any more one-on-one time with the American vice president, Chinese spy Simon Li told reporters Monday he was running out of excuses not to hang out with JD Vance. “I don’t know when JD is going to take the hint that I have no interest in socializing with him whatsoever,” said the Chinese Communist Party operative, who explained that over the past few weeks he had evaded the vice president by citing dentist appointments, weddings, projects at work that required overtime, funerals, the flu, friends visiting, and just needing to recharge, but every single time Vance had attempted to reschedule. “I can’t keep pretending like I’ve read Hillbilly Elegy whenever I’m with him. There’s no amount of classified information that could make it bearable to listen to him talk about fertility rates and being a ‘heritage American’ or whatever. I need to think of something quick, because this is the third time he’s brought up Usha being out of town.” At press time, sources confirmed Li had bitten down on a cyanide capsule after he realized JD Vance was knocking at his front door and holding a six-pack.
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