CHICAGO—Having confirmed the shocking development with numerous top-level sources, a depressed Shams Charania broke the news Thursday that he has absolutely no one. “Per multiple industry insiders, I can confirm that I’ve driven away everyone who ever cared about me in this world, and now I’m all alone with my miserable self,” the dejected, unshaven NBA reporter and insider wrote in a post on X published at 1:17 a.m., adding that while rumors at the beginning of the season had briefly linked him to several casual friendships, those talks ultimately collapsed and left him to languish on the open market despite his having signaled openness to terms on virtually any acquaintanceship structure, even a low-risk, one-year commitment with a mutual opt-out. “You give everything you have to this business, and for what? It all turns to shit in the end, just pure shit. And now I’m hearing rumblings that, well, I’m a complete piece of shit myself. According to sources, my colleagues hate me, everyone I know hates me, and I fucking hate myself. More as the situation develops.” At press time, Charania was said to be further demoralized upon learning that his big scoop had been extensively reported on by Chris Haynes three days prior.
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