LOS ANGELES—Audibly whispering “no, no, no” as his mind flashed back to the toiletry item he had neglected to retrieve amid his exit from the Los Angeles Lakers, NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly panicked Wednesday upon remembering that he had left a brand-new stick of deodorant in his locker. “Oh, shit, my deodorant!” said James, lamenting that the stick of Mountain Spring-scented Tom’s of Maine had cost him in excess of $9 and that he had only used it “two, maybe three times” before departing Crypto.com Arena for the final time. “It’s really nice deodorant, too. It’s the kind they sell at Whole Foods. Oh, God, and I just know the bench guys are using it. I gotta go back and get it before they run that thing down to the plastic. God, what a nightmare—I can’t believe I forgot it!” At press time, James was informing his agent that he was now open to returning to the Lakers for the 2026-2027 season.
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