WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly angry and pacing his office, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly shaking with rage Tuesday after imagining a plus-sized astronaut. “Ugh, it makes me fucking sick to think about some fatass floating through space making Americans look like pathetic slobs,” said Hegseth, a large vein pulsating across his beet-red forehead as he visualized a portly mission specialist drifting toward the food station for third helping of rehydrated beef stroganoff. “I’m so pissed I can barely breathe imagining an obese couch potato waddling around NASA. When I close my eyes, I can see these lardos orbiting above our perfect country and it makes me want to punch someone. Chiseled Russian cosmonauts and svelte Japanese pilots sharing a capsule with a dumpy American in an XXXL spacesuit, it’s unacceptable!” At press time, Secretary Hegseth had flipped his desk over after realizing that the overweight astronaut could also be a woman.
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