LEXINGTON, KY—Researchers at the University of Kentucky published a study Monday confirming that you should brace yourself for a massive personal disaster, because you are probably due to experience a big life tragedy soon. “Our results have found that since it’s been so long since you had something absolutely terrible happen to you, there is likely a massive calamity coming right down the pipeline,” said researcher Sean LaMonte, adding that you could expect there to be a day in the next month or so when you would wake up to 12 missed calls from everyone in your family, and that the reason would likely tear your life apart. “Your friend’s parents have been dying off lately, could be something with that. Or perhaps there’s a major career setback lurking right around the corner for you. There’s no telling exactly what is going to happen, but mathematically it’s going to be in the near future and it’s going to be real fucking awful.” LaMonte claimed the only way you could feasibly prepare was to remain paralyzed in fear until the tragedy occurred.
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