Since my husband left me, no one thinks I can do my job. I hate it!

Each week Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions about workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: unfair assumptions following a divorce, a manager sending AI slop and what to do when your go-to references pass away.

Last year, my husband left me after 20 years of marriage. For a few weeks, I’ll admit I was operating on one cylinder at work because of the fallout, but I soon returned to working as hard and capably as ever. Recently, I was overlooked for two opportunities that seemed ideally suited to me. A colleague then confided that she heard a male manager say, “Nah, she hasn’t been any good since her hubby cleared out.” I am deeply offended. Should I confront management or find another job?

I am offended too – on behalf of all women! That comment is insulting, demeaning and breathtakingly unprofessional. It reduces a capable woman’s career to her relationship status and turns a brief, understandable response into a permanent judgment about her competence. Your husband may have left, but he certainly did not take your competence, ambition or professional future with him.

But now for deep breaths. The reality is that you heard this second-hand, so don’t storm into your boss quoting it as fact. What I would do is ask for very specific feedback about why you were overlooked and what criteria were applied. Listen carefully and make notes. You need to establish whether there are legitimate reasons that you didn’t get the role.

If you still feel there were no valid reasons other than a misguided perception, you might like to think about whether you want to raise it with someone senior in the organisation. I think your best approach, though, will be to show your managers through your actions how ready you are for the next opportunity. Your future is now in your hands, and I reckon you will knock their socks off.

My manager, who put the boss into verbosity, has lately discovered AI on Outlook. So, on top of our endless and time-wasting conversations, I now get spammed by emails full of corporate jargon when all I needed was a yes or no to a simple inquiry. As a frontline worker, I simply don’t have the time for all of this. How do I approach a request for more efficient communication?

Sounds like your boss is feeling terribly clever sending out long emails full of big words. It is definitely a good idea to try and nip this in the bud. I am tempted to tell you to reply with a long AI-generated email to see how they enjoy finding a simple yes or no answer in among the slop, but that would be childish …

I think you probably need to tackle this head-on. Explain how busy you are and that in a frontline role you need to be able to make quick decisions. I wouldn’t accuse your boss of outsourcing to AI, but rather say that it is something you are noticing more generally. I would ask if your team could establish a communication protocol – a simple agreement about how you speak to each other by email – and suggest that longer messages be saved for those that really need them. If you point out to your boss that they are most likely to get a quicker reply from a shorter email, that may help, too. Good luck!

I am 58 and work in a specialised field. Although happy in my current role, after five years I have been approached about changing employers. My previous two roles lasted six and five years, but within the past six months, both former managers who acted as my referees have died. Both had direct knowledge of my work and were contacted before I secured my current position. What is the accepted recruitment etiquette now? Must I nominate people with less direct knowledge, or simply explain why my longstanding referees are unavailable?

As terribly sad as this is, I don’t think this will have any impact on your recruitment process. If you just explain what has happened, I would expect any recruiter to understand. It is hardly a situation that can be held against you when applying for a new role.

In terms of who you should ask to be a referee now, I would choose the strongest alternatives. Ask people who can credibly speak to different aspects of your working like, such as another senior manager, an external stakeholder, a project leader or even a board member. They don’t need to have been your direct supervisor, as long as they can explain the professional relationship and what they observed about your work.

If you still have concerns, you can supplement such referees with performance reviews written by your now deceased former managers, as well as any written commendations or significant achievements.

To submit a question about work, careers or leadership, visit kirstinferguson.com/ask. You will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited.

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