PARIS—Steadfast in their devotion to the treasured cultural keystone of their community, the roughly 743.5 million residents of Europe gathered Friday to announce that there’s nothing anyone can do to make them stop loving Michael Jackson. “You may try to break down our resolve with accusations that he engaged in inappropriate sexual behaviors, but our love of Michael Jackson, Le Roi de la Pop, remains unwavering,” said European representative Stefan Barbeaux, making clear their commitment to the late pop music superstar regardless of any and all improprieties and scandals associated with the singer including but not limited to credible accusations of child sexual abuse. “Age of consent laws are different here, and it’s not strange to us that he had a pet chimp. No matter what, we will continue to blast ‘Human Nature’ DJ mixes in our discothèques. Our loyalty is unshakeable; we still like Roman Polanski, and he didn’t even write ‘Thriller.’” At press time, Barbeaux stated that he remains optimistic about intercontinental relations between Europe and The Land Of Michael Jackson.
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