THOMASVILLE, GA—Paralyzed by the weight of the choice before him, local man Sam Corrigan reportedly spent several agonizing minutes Monday deciding which of his shirts was worthy of the single wooden hanger he owns. “I mean…it should probably be something with a collar, right?” said Corrigan, quietly holding up a nice $60 button-up he got on sale at Everlane before grimacing and tossing it aside. “I’d go with my suit jacket, but that’s already on the special cardboard hanger from the dry cleaners. Maybe a sweater’s the right move? I feel like wire hangers always leave weird little bumps in the shoulders. But, God, I don’t know. This is tough. Why do I even have a wooden hanger? I never bought it. Hmm. I mean, fuck, should I just use it for pants? My khakis? Is that insane? It feels insane.” According to reports, Corrigan was last seen pacing near his closet in small, anguished circles and angrily muttering, “Think, come on, think!”
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