WASHINGTON—In what is being characterized as a massive middle finger to millions of furious motorists, oil prices plummeted Friday, delivering a big fuck-you to all the Americans who gassed up their vehicles yesterday. “Nobody was hit harder than the suckers who filled their tanks mere hours before the ceasefire between Israel and Lebanon caused the price of a barrel of crude to plunge 10%,” said Georgetown University economics professor Elizabeth Murphy, adding that the sad chumps who figured that, if anything, prices would continue to climb actually would have saved money if they’d just waited a day. “Across the country, these simple rubes were lining up at their local gas stations to get ahead of the price hike they assumed was inevitable, totally unaware that relief was around the corner and that they were just pissing away their goddamn paychecks. While global petroleum is indeed experiencing a high degree of volatility, it’s just hard to feel sorry for these dum-dums.” At press time, oil prices spiked the very moment the same poor fucks reportedly pledged to hold off on refilling because they predicted everything would be stable for a while.
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